Deception, delusion, or the truth?

Are there certain things in a relationship that one should never say? “Practically all the relationships I know are based on a foundation of lies and mutually accepted delusion,” quoted by Samantha from Sex and the City.

The idea of deceiving or lying to someone has come to my attention. Is it ever ok to lie? Even if you are protecting someone?

I recently had an old college friend ask me about lying. She was vague in her question; obviously she was trying to protect someone. She defined lying into three types: “You have the right in your face bold lie, the little white lie, and then of course you have the lie by omission of the fact - where you don't lie you just omit any true item.” She then went onto ask; “When is it ok to lie? When is it ok to omit certain truths? Is it better to just get it out in the open or continue to lie about it? And if you're a bystander, do you just stand by or do you try to help? How do you know if a person even needs or wants help?”

I, by an means, am no authority on the subject of lying. I however have lied, been lied to, and have even lied to myself. Lies have been apart of my romantic relationships and even my platonic friendships. White lies, hurtful lies, protective lies… they are all lies… no way around it. A lie… is a lie… is a lie.

I have been in the position where I thought a lie would protect a friend. I thought lies would protect me. I have lied to salvage relationships. But no matter how many times I lied or have been lied to the truth has always seemed to surface, no matter how well the lying party covered their tracks.

I am now going to tell a story… it is a long story… but hopefully it proves the point that lying, no matter what type, is bad news for all parties involved.

The summer of 2004 I fell in love. I had just moved home from the Northeast. I was slowing hitting the “West Texas” social scene again. For the first time in over year I was optimistic about meeting someone. And I did.

He was 25… I was 22. He was looking for someone or something… I was looking for someone or something. We had both had our hearts broken. We were both going to be extremely careful with our hearts.

As most relationships begin… you never really know when to define it as an “exclusive” relationship. We had been dating for about 2 weeks, when I decided to take a girls trip to Lubbock. From the moment we left until the moment we arrived I talked about him. How he made me laugh… how cute he looked… how much I really liked him. Christa was about sick of “how he”… At the moment of our arrival she made me realize… be careful you are not in a “relationship” yet… have fun this weekend. So I did… but the entire time I thought about him… even when I kissed my cousin’s roommate, hmmmm…

The trip home was much the same… except now I was saying “after being away from him and kissing that other guy I now realize how much I want him”… however I didn’t think he needed to know that I kissed some guy… LIE #1!!!

That night I was suppose to go out with him… however he stood me up… “oh no, did he know?” He acted strange for the next week… we hung out but not much. Little did I know LIE #2 & #3 were about to be revealed.

I found out the night he stood me up was because his ex was at his house… “ok no big deal… I kissed a guy in Lubbock… no big deal” … nothing happened “right?”… to which he said… “no nothing happened” BUT… the night I was in Lubbock he did get drunk and sleep with one of our mutual friends… in fact another one of his ex’s best friend…

Are you lost yet? I went to Lubbock and kissed a guy, LIE #1… he slept with one of his ex’s best friend when I was in Lubbock, LIE #2… he stood me up when I got back because the other ex was at his house, LIE #3…

Somebody please knock me in the head… guess what I didn’t care… I still fell in love with him. I created a relationship with someone, and the basis of our relationship started out with lies!!!

Think about this for a moment… I had no problem lying to him… and he had no problem lying to me… what would stop us from lying in the future? For me it was simple, I suck at lying… when I lie my eye brows quiver… when I lie it might take one day before I break… I don’t like to lie… and I know I will get caught. Plus I loved him… I didn’t want to lie to him. He however, had a different set of ethics… “it’s not a lie until you get caught”.

Winter 2006… it gets ugly. “I lie to you because you can’t handle the truth”… No I did not handle the fact that he was sleeping with one my best friends and his best friends ex well. Do you know of anyone who would handle that well?

Lies set the foundation for our relationship… and lies ended our relationship. He claims to this day he lied to me because he didn’t want to see me hurt… but the truth is while yes the truth hurt… it was by far the worse pain I had ever felt… the lies hurt just as much.

Trust is an expensive commodity… Trust is a fragile commodity… Trust is destroyed by lies; bold, white, or even emissive lies.

I am certain some of my friends knew about my ex’s lies and deception. For some reason they never told me. I don’t know if I would have listened. I don’t know if I would have even wanted to hear it. But it might have saved me some heartache if they had of told me.

My advice to my friend… lying… don’t do it… and don’t protect those who do.

I am Living Single in Texas…