It breaks my heart…

Why does it hurt so much to have our hearts’ broken? Why does the pain seem to last for so long? And do we really ever get over the pain of a broken heart?

I recently had a conversation with my friend Ashley. Her like many of my other friends had read my breakup blog several times over. My breakup blog is a blog I wrote on myspace as vice for getting my feelings out when I went through a very difficult breakup. Ashley was seeking my advice. She had her heart broken about a year ago, but yet every time she saw or heard his name, her heart would ache.

That is the problem with having your heart broken, just when you think you are better, BAM, you hurt all over again. True the pain might not last as long, or it might not hurt as much, but the truth is, it still hurts.

My only advice to Ashley was to try and move on because she is a beautiful and fabulous woman who deserves the best… and guess what he was not the best. Just because you are head over heels for someone, that doesn’t mean they are head over heels for you. It sucks, but it’s the truth. For whatever reason some guys are “just not that into you”. It just happens, deal with it. I know my advice might seem harsh, but it is the truth. It is better than making excuses as to “why he doesn’t want you”….

Here are some common excuses… “its just not the right time”… “he has commitment issues”… “he has been hurt in a relationship before”… “its his job, he just doesn’t have time”… “its his family, friends, or even his dog”… TRANSLATION… HE IS JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU!!!

When a guy is “into you”… he wants to be with you… spend time with you… talk on the phone with you… take you out… treat you right… be his day and night… HE WANTS YOU. There are no excuses… you won’t hear “not tonight”… the answer will always be yes. Now I might be over exaggerating, but 99.9% of the time he will want to be with you, even if is just seeing you for two seconds before he leaves on a business trip.

That’s my advice… but even my advice does not answer the basic questions of the pain of a broken heart. I felt that pain today… and it’s been eight months since my breakup, and I did everything right in my recovery efforts… but it still hurts.

There it was in, my inbox… a new message… a new message from him… my heart stopped… I couldn’t breath. The subject line read: no subject… what the hell, I don’t even get a warning as to what the message is. Should I delete it? Should I read it? What does he want? Why would he send me a message? He has nothing to say to me? I have nothing to say to him? All of this was going through my head… all this in a split second as I clicked on the message to read its contents…

“hey yadda, yadda… I need you to take my name off your itunes on your laptop so I can authorize my computer, etc. etc…. thanks” That’s it. So why did I have a hundred questions and concerns running through my head? Why did I let that pain back into my heart? I don’t know… and it drives me crazy not knowing why.

Today was just a reminder of how excruciating the pain was. How many sleepless nights I had. How many times I wish I had gotten out sooner. How much it hurt… and how it can still hurt to this day. The pain is what I want to avoid. I fear if I give into another man the heartache and pain will happen all over again. That is why I can’t bring myself to say “I love you” or say “yes I believe in marriage” or even that one day “yes I want to get married and have a family”…. Because I would rather forego on having all of the above if it means having my heart broken again.

I might not be the person who should be handing out relationship advice. I too struggle with it every day. I however am better than I was, and by the end of the day I will be back to normal once again. It just ceases to amaze me how one little message can bring back mounds of emotions… emotions I thought I had over come… emotions that I hate…

I am scared… but if I never take a risk… well you know the rest… and I now know there is something I need to do… I need to take a risk.

I am Living Single in Texas…