This will be the last time...

I always think... this will be the last time... the last time to have my heart broken... the last time to cry myself to sleep... the last time... it has to be. And I want so badly for that to be the truth... that this really will be the last time to have my heart broken... but it is not. My heart has been broken yet again. And each time it breaks I loose a piece that will never grow back.

If you have ever heard the phrase looks can be deceiving take this advice to heart... because looks truly are deceiving. Things were going great... I was dating a great guy... a guy that not only had the look but also had this drawing effect, which drew me in... too far in. Things were awesome. We never fought... always complemented each other... and had the same taste in music, food, and even friends. But after a wonderful year full of travel and excitement it came to a screeching halt that knocked the breath out of me.

Approximately one year ago I started to fall... fall hard. I started dating this unique and interesting man... in retrospect he was my Mr. Big if I was to compare it to Sex and the City. The guy that had it all... great friends... an awesome house... and of course he had that certain look in his eye... the look that broke me. But the strongest of his features that compares to Mr. Big would be his lack of commitment... he was (and still is) incapable of love. I chose to ignore this feature... I buried it deep away so that I would not have to face it or deal with the fact that this man was never going to love me... that I was bound to have my heart broken. Now I kick myself for ignoring it... I wish so badly that I would have ended it before I fell... fell so hard and so fast that I am still picking myself up... I fell in love.

It is said that you can't help who you fall in love with... and this might be true... but I believe you can prevent yourself from falling in love if you catch it early enough, almost as if you were to compare it to a bad cold... if you catch it early you will be just fine but if you don't do anything about it could turn into pneumonia or something worse... it could even cripple you for life.

I am not crippled but severely hurt and trying each and every day to recover. Some people have ideas on how long it take a broken heart to heal… “it takes at least half the amount of time you where with someone for your heart to heal”… or “just find someone new and then your heart will be better”… but regardless of these theories the truth is that there will always be a part of my heart that will never heal. Just as the last time my heart was broken… a piece of my heart died and it will never come back to life… the same is true yet again. I fear that eventually there will be nothing left of my heart… instead of love it will be full of hate and instead of trust it will be full of bitterness and resentment… And for the moment all I feel is anger… angry with myself… angry with him… angry that I have to start my life over yet again. And I can’t help but ask… how many more times is this going to happen… I always think… this will be the last time… I hope this time I am right.

I am Living Single in Texas.