Doubt whom you will, but never yourself...

Quoted by Christian N. Bovee, and although I have absolutely no idea who Christian is, I do believe he makes a good point. It is so easy to doubt oneself. At this very moment in my life I am full of doubt.

I am doubtful about my big move... my plans have changed, for the better I am certain of that, but I am doubtful on how I am going to pull it off. When is the right time? Will I able to sell my house for a profit? Should I sell my house now? I don't really want to move back home. Maybe a roommate? What about the actual move? Costs, finding a new place, meeting new people. But I know if I could do it tomorrow I would... but there is just so much to do at my job and the like that I am scared I will never get it all done and never get out of Midland.

I am doubtful about my future... curious if I have given my heart away too many times, and scared that I will never be able to love again. It has almost been four months since my last breakup. It is sad to say it in that manner "since the last one". That is just my point, I keep giving my heart away and I keep getting hurt. I am doubtful that I will be able to give it away again. We are supposed to learn from our experiences and the only thing I have learned is to NOT fall in love. Every guy that approaches me I turned down before they even have the chance to ask me out. And the few I have let take me out I put up this wall and I don't let them in... by the second or third date they just stop calling... and when they do stop calling I feel a relieve... a relieve that I don't have to worry about another relationship... relived that it is over before it ever really begins.

I am doubtful about who I am... I feel as if I am losing my identify... but then I question did I ever really have my own identity. I am being pulled in twenty different directions at work. At home I feel as if I am floating through a non-fulling personal life with no meaning or direction. I have goals and dreams but even though each day I know I am getting closer to those goals it actually feels as if I am drifting farther away. As if each time I finish a project whether it is at work or freelance, I get another one thrown on top of the pile. My identiy is being defined by work... and because I am so scared of having a personal life I am all accepting of how it is playing out.

It wasn't until I read Christian's quote this morning that I was able to identify my problem. For the past couple of weeks I knew something was not quite right... I felt unhappy and empty inside... I realize now that is doubt that is creating these feelings. Doubting myself has created an array of negative feelings... insecure feelings... depressive feelings. In order to pull myself out of this mood I have to stop doubting myself and start telling myself that I can do it... I can move to Austin next summer... I can and will find love again... and I do know who I am... I am LeaAnn Dearman, an educated, bright, intelligent, kind hearted, God fearing, woman with a ton to offer this world... and I will find my place in it.

I am Living Single in Texas.