Something more...

Sometimes I can't help but wonder why I only write about relationships. Relationships with men... relationships with my family... relationships with my friends... not to mention the relationship I have with myself... I always write about relationships. Every time I write down my thoughts, something about a relationship is what tends to come out. There was a certain train of thought that got me to thinking about why I write about relationships and ironically enough the train of thought had nothing to do with relationships, well kind of... are you lost yet? Let me back up.

Seven years ago I was a freshman in college. Seven years ago I was very uncertain of what I wanted to major in much less what I wanted to do when I graduated college. I was a typical freshman unaware of what life is really all about and oblivious to the reality that what I choose to do in college would alter my life forever.

I started college with an obsession for science. In high school I loved science. I took every science course Midland High offered... Biology I & II... Chemistry I & II... and Physics. I wanted to be a Biochemist, although fate had something much different in mind for me. Upon high school graduation I was offered an academic scholarship to UTPB... UTPB did not offer Biochemistry. They offered Biology and or Chemistry but I was torn between which to major in. After browsing the catalog I decided to wait and take my general education courses first... plus one elective... Mass Media and Modern Society. And I fell in love... fell in love with Harold Innis... Marshall Mcluhan... Claud E. Shannon... and Warren Weaver. Theorists who were able to not only look at communication and media and the effects that each have a society but were also able to predict the future, i.e. my favorite theorist... Mcluhan. As a result I majored in Communication.

I am quite certain I have now probably lost over half of my readers who think this is very boring, but trust me it is far from boring.

Getting back on subject... now that you have an idea of what I studied in college you might just understand why it is relevant in my thought process. I am without a doubt an Internet guru... I love this stuff. I check my email goodness knows how many times a day... in fact that is the last thing I do before I go to bed. And for sure I am also a myspace junkie... I can't help it... it is addictive. The whole idea behind the Internet communication process, just totally blows my mind. But seeing as I also have a slew of communication theories constantly playing war in my head I tend to interpret the communication through the Internet in a different way than most.

The best way to explain is by example. Internet communication is much different than interpersonal communication; the media affects it. Of course so is communication over the telephone or over the TV set but unlike these the Internet lacks personal emotion... no one can hear your voice over the Internet or see your face (minus Web cams and the like, lets stick to text)... so most would say it is similar to print communication... but taking away the time and space issue (another theory another day) and it happens instantly and more like a conversation. However when taking away emotion and visual communication the message is at a high risk of being misunderstood... Therefore leading me to my thought process and getting back to relationships.

Today just like any other day I have been having online conversations via myspace and email all day long. I have talked to at least twenty or more people today over the Internet. For the most part it has been simple communication like... "Hi how is your day" or "I am sending you that file now"... some of my communication is more personal and serious and some is meant to be light hearted and fun (“meant to be” being the key phrase here). Sarcasm does not translate well over the Internet... even with the use of emoticons or all the lol's in the world. Sometimes it just doesn’t come across as funny. And I strongly believe it is neither the sender nor the receiver's fault for this error in message interpretation but yet is the fault of the median.

I am sure if McGavin is reading this he is saying “oh if it were that simple,” and yes how I wish it were that simple. Truth I cannot completely put all the blame on the median but I feel very strongly that it is the main culprit in the crime. However it is still necessary to bring into consideration all the communication the sender and receiver have had with one another plus all the communication they have both had with every other person, medium, and other factor that has come into their life… not to mention the communication they have with themselves. After all that is said basically it is just per chaos. And relationships cannot occur without communication thus relationships are just per chaos. So I write about relationships because I want so badly to figure out the equation to the chaos… but truth that is why it is chaos.

Maybe another day I can write about myspace communication and the theory behind it… Marshall Mcluhan’s Global Village.

I am Living Single in Texas.

Single set back…

One of the hardest things about being single is the state of mind that tends to set in as time passes. It is a mindset that just becomes comfortable. Not having to worry about what you eat or how clean your house is or even if you decide you don’t want to shave your legs for a week or maybe two. It boils down to the simple fact that when you go to bed you go to bed alone and when you wake up you wake up alone so why sweat the small stuff right… wrong… it is a set back of being single.

I have to admit I have become very relaxed in how I live my life. Truth be told it is probably just laziness (unless I justify it with all the extra freelance projects I have taken on). I am lazy. I come home from work… around 6 or 6:30 fix something to eat… don’t worry about the dishes until the sink is full, after all I have to conserver water… and then watch TV from around 7 to 10 and then go to bed. Although my schedule does vary from time to time if say a good band comes to town or one of my girl friends call and ask me to go to a movie or grab a drink. But overall I only have to worry about me 100% of the time, which in turn you would think I would care more about me since I only have to worry about me, but that is just not true… I have kind of let myself go, truth… who do I have to impress… no one.

So last night I was taken aback… unprepared when an unexpected visitor appeared. Let me back up… I went out last night for my friend Sarah’s birthday. A big group of us decided to go to the Ranch. Now on a Tuesday night I usually steer clear of the Ranch unless I am gluten for punishment… it is not so much fun to wake up and go to work the next day after hanging out at the Ranch till 1am. But last night I thought what the heck. Drinking was not really on my agenda; after all I did have to work today, so I had two beers. But what I did not expect was one of my flings to walk through the door… to my knowledge he was still three hours away. Let’s just call him the Traveling Salesman for his identity sake. Like I said I thought the Salesman was at least three hours away and currently there is no one else in my life at the time that I am even remotely interested in so I was to say the least unprepared for a possible house guest.

I have a sink full of dishes, laundry everywhere, not to mention I haven’t shaved my legs in about a week and I wasn’t exactly feeling sexy. But at any rate he walked in and I somewhat panicked (inside my head at least). That is when it hit me that I have just let myself go. I should be prepared at anytime to have company… you never know who might drop by, but I was not. So when it was time to go I didn’t know what to say or do. I was too embarrassed for him to see my house so I just told him I would call him when I left. My goal was to go home, freshen up, and at least pick up a bit and make the bed… 30 minutes top. Well fate has a sense of humor and decided that I was not supposed to entertain the Salesman last night. After he left the bar I quickly begin searching for my ride… after all I have quite a bit to do. I spot one of my friends and stop to talk to him… well question him hoping he knew where my ride had wondered off too… when all of the sudden I feel something wet sprayed all over the side of head and body. My first thought was… what drunk sprayed beer all over me… oh looking back how I wish it had been beer. To my worst fear it was not beer… but yet vomit… all over my clothes and even in my hair… yuck, what a nightmare. I don’t know who did it because she fled the scene of the crime and all didn’t want to wait around to see who it was… I just wanted to get home and take a shower.

After leaving the bar angry, tired, and disgusted I called the Salesman disappointed that I would not see him until the next time he came to town… I informed him of the nightmare and told him that I was just not up for company. When I got home I quickly stripped down and got into the shower. I do believe I washed my hair at least 5 times. Replaying the scene over in my head made me sick to my stomach and before I knew it was the one vomiting… but at least I made it to the bathroom like most normal people. I have felt crappy all day and even after three showers I still feel like I need another one. I cannot wait until this day is over so I can take yet another shower and crawl into bed and sleep off the horrible nightmare that was my reality.

And to top it all off… Boston lost last night again.

I am Living Single in Texas.

Content to be thought foolish...

I never realized it before, but when I am single I think about and ponder about my life much more. I find myself with the TV on but not even watching what is on... instead my mind is full of hopes and dreams. Over the past few months I have done nothing but think about how I want my life to turn out. We all have a destiny but it is the decisions we make in life that determines our destiny... and I have now come to a conclusion... I am content to be thought foolish... I am going to take a huge leap and do something that everyone thinks is crazy is foolish, but I know deep down it is the right decision.

This past week I almost had myself talked out of the idea of picking up and leaving my current life behind. It is not logical or conventional... it is a huge risk... or as my Father put it, just too far away. But truth... how do you really know if any decision is logical or conventional until you try it. The same can be said when you ask a question... you don't know the answer until you ask the question. So the only way I will truly know if City life is for me I have to take the risk and experience first hand, by myself, and if I can survive and thrive that is great... if not at least I took the risk.

It is too soon to reveal my plan... timing is everything and it is not quite right yet. I just really need to get my thoughts out of my mind and written down.

"If you want to improve, be content to be thought foolish and stupid." - Epictetus (55 AD - 135 AD)

I am Living Single in Texas.