Slacker...

I feel like such a slacker. It has been almost two months since my last post.February ended up flying by... and it was a great month. The first time in ages that I enjoyed a February in I don't know how long. And I have no clue where March went, although I do know I enjoyed it as well.

I read my lost post before sitting down to write. I was going on and on about February and how much I loath the month. Maybe it took me realizing that it is not the month that was bad... but rather the people I had in my life that made the month bad. This February was completely different.

I started out the month of February single... and ended the month... dating a wonderful guy. So in order to get you all up to speed, lets take a look back to Super Bowl Sunday, Feburary 3, 2008.

It was just like any other Sunday for the most part... I got up, went to church, had lunch with the family, and then proceeded with my day. However, there was a slight difference, it was Super Bowl Sunday. One of the biggest party days of the year. A time for friends and family to get together and watch the big game. It was Super Bowl XLII, and the day I met someone truly special.

One of my good friends, Tamara, had been trying to set up with her cowboy friend CB for sometime... but at the time I had a hard enough time keeping up with the men I was dating in one night. It seemed as if I had a different date every night, and sometimes two in one night. So it was hard scheduling a time to meet this mystery cowboy. Well finally my schedule opened up and I agreed to go to CB's Super Bowl Party.

I must admit I was very pessimistic at first. After all every other cowboy I had every dated turned out to be a total jerk, what makes this one any different? When I first walked into his house, I could tell just by looking at him that he was extremely nervous. He had a hard time making eye contact with me when he shook my hand, and then quickly exited the room after meeting with. Great, I thought to myself, I can see that this is going no where.

For the most part I hung out with Jori and Tamara, and didn't really attempt to talk much with CB. As the game proceeded so did the drinking... as the drinking proceeded... so did the conversation... and as the conversation proceeded... the idea came into play to play a round of Texas Hold'em. And although I am not very good at the game I agreed to play. The most ironic part of the game, was the way in which seating was arranged. In some strange set of events, CB wound up sitting right next to me. Good thing the boy was drinking, cause otherwise we might have sat in total silence.

As the game proceeded I thought to myself, I didn't give this guy much credit, so I thought I would just maybe let him take me out, that is of course if he would ever ask. The game was coming to an end... both games that is... and he was no where near asking me out on a date. I of course... would never ask him out. As the game proceeded into overtime... CB made the statement (not a question) that if the Gaints win the game... then I have to go out on a date with him. This was the first thing that turned me on about CB... I need and want a man to take charge... not one that can't make simple decisions.

After the game me and the girls headed back to Midland. I had a good time I must confess... but I had an even better time as time passed. I am happy to say CB and I are still dating... and we have gone from just dating... to being exclusive in a short amount of time... but again I am still happy... in fact althought it is kind of scary... this is the happiest I have been with a man in an extremely long time. So maybe there is hope that the "one" does exist. And just maybe... maybe... I have found him.

I am Living Singe in Texas...

Looking back at February...

I have been writing Living Single in Texas for almost two years now. It is a blog I started shortly after surviving yet another breakup... the breakup that really almost broke me for good... and I am still not certain that it didn't. I felt the need to write about my life... it is a fairly interesting life... and at times quite comical, but more over I wanted to write about my life so that maybe I could one day look back and maybe understand what I am doing wrong. Why, oh, why do I go through so many relationships that end in failure?

I recently looked back at my February 2007 postings... it was then that I remembered how much I dread the month of February. Because I am not currently in a relationship, I had forgotten how painful the month of February has been. In five days it will be two years to the day that I had my heartbroken in two... two years to the day that I thought life will surely not go on... two years to the day that I truly started living life.

It is always odd to look back and remember heartache. More than likely it is not healthy but I can't help but wonder, yet again, what did I do wrong. Why did he not love me? Why did the man after him not love me either? Is there something about me that is not lovable? Do I have some strange habit that is annoying? Do I snore? Did I gain too much weight? Did they really lose the attraction they once had for me, and if so why? These are questions I can't help but ask. I really need to know what is driving these men away... if not to ensure a successful relationship in the future... but to at least sleep better at night knowing what I did wrong and I able to correct it.

Thus far, February 2008 has treated me well... although I won't speak too soon. February 2007 was when my boyfriend at the time started to think twice about our relationship and even though he started thinking about it in February it took him until the end of July to call it off. He led me on for six months... and it all started in February. It might not be fair to him to say that he lead me on because I knew how he felt and I should have ended it in February too, but deep down I thought he would change... deep down I thought that if I did everything in my power to please him that he would see how wonderful I was and fall for me... I was so wrong. And if you want to venture back to my February 2007 postings you will see all the other past Februarys and how that this really is never a good month for me. Maybe I am just being pessimistic, but it is so easy when such negativity surrounds this month.

However, like I said, I have no complaints in February 2008... and I am almost half-way through the month so maybe 2008 really will be the year when my life changes. After all this is the first time in my life that I have been single for more than six months straight. This is the first time in my life when I don't feel like I need someone in my life to make me feel whole. I feel whole and alive... I feel like I am walking on air and that I can conquer the world... I feel truly happy.

I am Living Single in Texas.

Starting all over again...

The New Year is a time for starting new. For some it might be a new job... or maybe a new diet... or maybe a new outlook on life... for me it is the later. This year has been quite different past few years... I for once in my entire life am actually living my life for myself, and I am loving it.

I honestly have no clue where January went. It seems just like yesterday I was celebrating Christmas with my family and now Valentines Day is right around the corner. I am so relived that this year I don't have to do one damn thing for Valentines Day. It is a very overrated holiday. I truly believe the card and candy companies invited Valentines Day to boost their sales before Mother's Day. Even if I was in a relationship I would prefer to just treat Valentines Day as another day. If a man wants to be romantic he should do something random on a random day of the year, that would mean more to me than getting a cheesy Valentine's Day card.

This Valentine's Day I will be at the gym working on my body... and let me tell you it won't be long now and I will be ready for swim suit season... and this summer is going to rock, I can already tell. I do believe I will be hitting the lake and river several times over this summer and what better way to enjoy living life than spending time at the lake with awesome friends.

So here is note to all the hopeless romantic single women out there who are bummed out about not having a date on Valentine's Day... don't sweat it. You are fabulous and you don't need a cheesy man getting you flowers on a day he feels obligated to do so. Wait for that man who will bring you flowers for no reason at all... the one who will cook you dinner on a Tuesday night just because he wants to make you smile... or the man who loves you for you... and you love him for him. Don't tell yourself otherwise... it truly is worth the wait.

I am Living Single in Texas.

2008...

Look out this year is going to be different. I can feel it in my bones. I know I can not predict what will happen over the next year. I am sure I will have rotten days... days where I wish I would have just stayed in bed... and even days that seems like the world is going to end. Bad things happen... friends come and go... lovers come and go... life comes and goes... it can all end in a blink of an eye. I am so privileged each and every day I get to take a breath of glorious fresh air... but one thing is different this year... something has changed... a drastic mind blowing change has happened... I have changed... this year will be different.

Today is the first day of the rest of my life... I have always started each day as if it was just another day... another day of work... another day, another dollar, or so it is said... just another day I wake up alone and go to bed alone. But truth, what is so wrong with that. I don't need someone to define me... I am fabulous just as I am... single, taken, bitter, alone, confused... I am living... living today... I lived yesterday... and all I can hope is to live tomorrow. My family loves me... my friends love me... I am loved... I am cared for... I am in love... in love with life and the life I am getting to live. I don't need to be in love with a man to experience true love... I get to experience it each and everyday.

This is why I know this year will be different, because for the first time in my life I realize this... I realize what life is all about. I want to go sky diving... I want to mountain climbing... I want to ski in snowy white slopes... or raft down a raging river... breath the fresh air that come off the ocean in early spring... I want to live... really live life... until my breath stops, and not a second sooner. I can and I will.

2008 is my year to live.

I am Living Single in Texas.

Questioning myself???

In my last post I stated that I wanted a "nice" guy... but is that what I really want? I think there is more to it than just being "nice" anyone can be nice... there has to be more to it.

It has been stated more than once by more than a few people that women like "bad boys"... and there is some truth to this. Women no matter how strong headed or independent still like to have sense of being taken care of. Money is not what I am talking about... it has more to do with the way a woman feels when she is in her man's arm. Like no matter what is going on around them that nothing can get to her... she is safe... and at his will. This would be why women are attracted to large, strong, muscular men. And the same can be said about men... they want a woman to be small and petite so they feel a sense of being stronger. It is just in our nature. Now I am fully aware that this is not the case for everyone... but for most don't deny it... this is true.

Here is my dilemma... I want a "nice" guy I truly do... but can a guy be too "nice". I would be defined as the very independent, strong willed, determined, don't get in my way kind of woman... thus I cannot stand to be in a relationship where there is no challenge... I love a good challenge its in my nature... but I need to eventually win the challenge... or maybe win is not the right word... there should be a tie in the end... he loves and cares for me just a much as I love and care for him... and the winner goes to... you both. That is what it should be. But if there is never any challenge or obstacle it is almost as if you are not fighting for anything... if you are not fighting for anything then what have you to lose... and if you have nothing to lose why even try?

In the beginning of a relationship there has to be a balance of control (well truth throughout the entire relationship) if either party gives up all their control without a fight one of two things will happen... one- the party with the control will take advantage of the one without the control... or two- the party with the control will become annoyed with the one without wanting and needing share the control.

So in the end I need more than "nice" guy... "Nice" guys relinquish all control and try to be at the beck and call of the women they pursue... this might work for woman who like to be in control all the time... but I am not that woman. I cannot and will not be with a man, no matter how "nice" he is, that will be at my beck in call... I want a best friend and a companion... not a slave or a boy toy.

I am Living Single in Texas.

Is it safe?

I can’t help, but have a little ray of hope that nice guys really do exist. And when I say nice I am fully aware that it is a very vague term and just by saying a “nice” guy could cover an array of men… however I am looking for that “nice” guy who will not string me along… will not cheat on me… and will always treat me with the utmost respect and honesty even if it means hurting me.

For the first time in 5 months I am willing to let my guard down. I am terrified that 5 months is not long enough. That maybe I should keep it up for at least a year maybe two. Having your heart broke twice in two years is quite an ordeal and I don’t know if I am up for heartache number 3.

I am fully aware that this doesn’t have to be heartache number 3, that this one might be different, but if every relationship is a learning experience, then the lesson I have learned is to NOT let my guard down, that is the only way to not get hurt. But it is so hard to keep that guard up.

I have had some great loves in my life… loves that rocked my world to my very core… but I also know I have had loves that did not return my love… and loves in which that I did not return their love… but I am so exhausted of the entire process. And now there is the task of not getting hurt again, which is making me so tired.

I think I have found a “nice” guy. A guy who wants to love and knows how to love… but what if he changes? What if I’m not ready to love again and I push away the best thing that has ever happened to me? I know that if I keep asking these questions that I will drive myself mad… and probably bring my friends down with me… but I can’t help but wonder “how much more can my heart take?” Is it truly safe to try? Will I just end up with a deeper gash or should I let my scars heal first?

I am Living Single in Texas.

Getting some Perspective...

It is so easy to be selfish in life. What do I want to eat? What do I want to wear? Where do I want to go? What do I want to buy? What do I want?!? It is all about the "I" and that so misses the point. It is not "I" who raised me... it is not "I" who brought me into this world... and it is not "I" who will love me unconditionally no matter what I do or don't do... so why do "I" have to be so selfish.

For those of you who didn't know I wanted to move to New York City. After much analysis and reasoning I have changed my mind. Not because I don't want to... because believe me I want to. I want to be in the big City that never sleeps... have an amazing life... with great food, exciting people and a unique culture... but the truth I would just be living for me... and a life like that is very sad. I changed my mind about moving to NYC not because I didn't want to go, but because I changed my perspective on what life is truly all about... love.

About a month ago my Dad had to go to the doctor. He was having a numbing type sensation in his hand. And of course panic was the first reaction. For most who have a numbing sensation in their hands it is the signs of a stroke or some type of blockage. Of course this would not come as a major shock because my dad has been drinking and smoking since he was a teenager not to mention he has always eaten whatever he wanted. Plus heart disease, diabetes, and high blood pressure run in my dad’s side of the family. Not to mention both of my grandparents died at a very young age. It just becomes very real when you start to think about it. My dad could either get extremely sick or just die any day now. And when he started having the numbing in his hand I immediately thought the worse.

Thankfully it was nothing life threatening. It turns out he has sever carpal tunnel syndrome in both hands... and surgery is the only fix, which is still scary but not as bad as my mind was thinking. But it did wake something up inside of me... my family is so important to me and I take them for granted. I have a wonderful mother who is constantly helping me and making me a better person... my dad who has become a better man... my sister who I am closer to now than I ever been... not to mention to of the most amazing nieces in the world... and I even have the utmost respect and regard for my brother-in-law and step parents. I have a ton of love in my life and that should count for something.

I can still live a wonderful life and be close to my family too. More than likely I will move next summer but it will be in Texas and not on the other side of the country. But I finally have some perspective. Life is too short to be selfish and selfish people end up alone... and I don't believe that to be my destiny.

I am Living Single in Texas.