Looking back at February...

I have been writing Living Single in Texas for almost two years now. It is a blog I started shortly after surviving yet another breakup... the breakup that really almost broke me for good... and I am still not certain that it didn't. I felt the need to write about my life... it is a fairly interesting life... and at times quite comical, but more over I wanted to write about my life so that maybe I could one day look back and maybe understand what I am doing wrong. Why, oh, why do I go through so many relationships that end in failure?

I recently looked back at my February 2007 postings... it was then that I remembered how much I dread the month of February. Because I am not currently in a relationship, I had forgotten how painful the month of February has been. In five days it will be two years to the day that I had my heartbroken in two... two years to the day that I thought life will surely not go on... two years to the day that I truly started living life.

It is always odd to look back and remember heartache. More than likely it is not healthy but I can't help but wonder, yet again, what did I do wrong. Why did he not love me? Why did the man after him not love me either? Is there something about me that is not lovable? Do I have some strange habit that is annoying? Do I snore? Did I gain too much weight? Did they really lose the attraction they once had for me, and if so why? These are questions I can't help but ask. I really need to know what is driving these men away... if not to ensure a successful relationship in the future... but to at least sleep better at night knowing what I did wrong and I able to correct it.

Thus far, February 2008 has treated me well... although I won't speak too soon. February 2007 was when my boyfriend at the time started to think twice about our relationship and even though he started thinking about it in February it took him until the end of July to call it off. He led me on for six months... and it all started in February. It might not be fair to him to say that he lead me on because I knew how he felt and I should have ended it in February too, but deep down I thought he would change... deep down I thought that if I did everything in my power to please him that he would see how wonderful I was and fall for me... I was so wrong. And if you want to venture back to my February 2007 postings you will see all the other past Februarys and how that this really is never a good month for me. Maybe I am just being pessimistic, but it is so easy when such negativity surrounds this month.

However, like I said, I have no complaints in February 2008... and I am almost half-way through the month so maybe 2008 really will be the year when my life changes. After all this is the first time in my life that I have been single for more than six months straight. This is the first time in my life when I don't feel like I need someone in my life to make me feel whole. I feel whole and alive... I feel like I am walking on air and that I can conquer the world... I feel truly happy.

I am Living Single in Texas.