Questioning myself???

In my last post I stated that I wanted a "nice" guy... but is that what I really want? I think there is more to it than just being "nice" anyone can be nice... there has to be more to it.

It has been stated more than once by more than a few people that women like "bad boys"... and there is some truth to this. Women no matter how strong headed or independent still like to have sense of being taken care of. Money is not what I am talking about... it has more to do with the way a woman feels when she is in her man's arm. Like no matter what is going on around them that nothing can get to her... she is safe... and at his will. This would be why women are attracted to large, strong, muscular men. And the same can be said about men... they want a woman to be small and petite so they feel a sense of being stronger. It is just in our nature. Now I am fully aware that this is not the case for everyone... but for most don't deny it... this is true.

Here is my dilemma... I want a "nice" guy I truly do... but can a guy be too "nice". I would be defined as the very independent, strong willed, determined, don't get in my way kind of woman... thus I cannot stand to be in a relationship where there is no challenge... I love a good challenge its in my nature... but I need to eventually win the challenge... or maybe win is not the right word... there should be a tie in the end... he loves and cares for me just a much as I love and care for him... and the winner goes to... you both. That is what it should be. But if there is never any challenge or obstacle it is almost as if you are not fighting for anything... if you are not fighting for anything then what have you to lose... and if you have nothing to lose why even try?

In the beginning of a relationship there has to be a balance of control (well truth throughout the entire relationship) if either party gives up all their control without a fight one of two things will happen... one- the party with the control will take advantage of the one without the control... or two- the party with the control will become annoyed with the one without wanting and needing share the control.

So in the end I need more than "nice" guy... "Nice" guys relinquish all control and try to be at the beck and call of the women they pursue... this might work for woman who like to be in control all the time... but I am not that woman. I cannot and will not be with a man, no matter how "nice" he is, that will be at my beck in call... I want a best friend and a companion... not a slave or a boy toy.

I am Living Single in Texas.

Is it safe?

I can’t help, but have a little ray of hope that nice guys really do exist. And when I say nice I am fully aware that it is a very vague term and just by saying a “nice” guy could cover an array of men… however I am looking for that “nice” guy who will not string me along… will not cheat on me… and will always treat me with the utmost respect and honesty even if it means hurting me.

For the first time in 5 months I am willing to let my guard down. I am terrified that 5 months is not long enough. That maybe I should keep it up for at least a year maybe two. Having your heart broke twice in two years is quite an ordeal and I don’t know if I am up for heartache number 3.

I am fully aware that this doesn’t have to be heartache number 3, that this one might be different, but if every relationship is a learning experience, then the lesson I have learned is to NOT let my guard down, that is the only way to not get hurt. But it is so hard to keep that guard up.

I have had some great loves in my life… loves that rocked my world to my very core… but I also know I have had loves that did not return my love… and loves in which that I did not return their love… but I am so exhausted of the entire process. And now there is the task of not getting hurt again, which is making me so tired.

I think I have found a “nice” guy. A guy who wants to love and knows how to love… but what if he changes? What if I’m not ready to love again and I push away the best thing that has ever happened to me? I know that if I keep asking these questions that I will drive myself mad… and probably bring my friends down with me… but I can’t help but wonder “how much more can my heart take?” Is it truly safe to try? Will I just end up with a deeper gash or should I let my scars heal first?

I am Living Single in Texas.