50 years...

My father turns 50 years old today, September 28 2006. 50 years... My dad was born and raised in Wickett, Texas. Wickett is a small town about forty minutes west of Odessa, current population just below 300. He attended Wickett elementary school until he was in the seventh grade and then was bused to Monahans for junior high and high school. Now Wickett doesn't even have an elementary school. Wickett has one convenient store, a small post office, and a swimming pool. It takes less than two minutes to drive through town. To many the town isn't even worth two minutes, but to me it brings back childhood memories. I spent every summer visiting my great grandmother who lived in Wickett. As a young child I loved Wickett so much, I dreamed of moving there and teaching at the elementary school. Funny how things change.

My mother was raised in Wickett as well. My dad and my mom were high school sweet hearts. They started dating when they were freshmen in high school. I wish their marriage had a happy ending, but like so many marriages theirs ended after 22 years, not to mention they had dated four years prior to getting married. 26 years, more than half of my father's life was spent with my mother. It is sad to think about it now, but that is why I am staying single. I am not going to rush into a marriage that will end. When I say, "till death do we part" it will be "till death do we part".

Today my dad turns 50 and for the first time in my life I am closer to my dad now than I have ever been. My father was one of those men who were hard to love. He was a hard workingman, I didn't see him much. And for some of my childhood I felt more like a burden than a child. But really it was my father who was the child because he was not ready for a family. He wanted to work and then go out and reap the rewards of work. His family was not his first priority. Now don't get me wrong I never wanted for anything except attention.

After my parents divorced my dad went somewhat wild. Going out all the time. Partying every night. But not now. Now he has actually settled down and comes home every night. It took 50 years for my father to grow up. 50 years...

It is said that we learn from others mistakes. I have learned to never let a minute pass by without appreciating what I have and not taking it for granted. My father now wishes he had been at my softball games or that he was there to have dinner at night. He can't change that now. My life is my own. No husband. No kids. No responsibilities. Now is the time to live my life for me. But when I do start a family I will live my life for my family. I don't want 50 years of regret. I want 50 wonderful years... and I am half way there. In six months I will be 25 and so far so good.

I am Living Single in Texas...

Get me through September...

September is a unique month. Fall, falls in September. 911 falls in September. My dad's birthday is in September. My niece will be born in September. Labor Day... college football… baseball playoffs… weddings... baby showers... dinners... all fall in September. I just want to get through September.

Today is September 11, 2006... five years ago today I was getting ready for class. I tutored History 1301 on Tuesday and Thursday mornings. It was my second year in college and I was having a blast.

I was still living at home and was saving my money to get my own place. At the time my sister, brother-in-law and niece were also living at my mom’s house. They had just recently moved back from Victoria, TX to start a new life together in Midland. They too needed to save money. Imagine my mother and stepfather, my sister, brother-in-law, and niece, plus myself all living in a three-bedroom house, not a large three-bedroom house but an average one. It was a little bit crowded.

Luckily I didn’t have to be to class until 9:15 so I had the house to myself after 7:30 in the morning. I had a usual routine; alarm goes off at 7:30, I get a cup of coffee, shower, turn on the Early Show, blow dry my hair, put on my make-up, get dressed, and leave. I did the same thing every day, it was like clock work. However five years ago today when I turned on the Early Show I was horrified… I saw the second plane hit the World Trade Center… and soon realized it was not an accident.

Quickly I called my mother at work who immediately turned on the radio. My brother-in-law had just walked in the door from a job interview and I told him as well. In horror I continued to get ready and headed for school. Of course the entire campus was solemn. Several students were missing, and Dr. Gardner did not lecture but talked about the events that had just taken place.

Most everyone will experience an event which will go down in the history books. December 7, 1941… Pearl Harbor attacked. November 22, 1963… President John F. Kennedy assassinated. January 28, 1986… The Challenger Explosion. April 18, 1995… Oklahoma City Bombing. September 11, 2001… World Trade Center’s were attacked. Most everyone will remember exactly what he or she were doing at the moment they heard or saw the event take place. I was getting ready for class.

Five years later… I have graduated college, twice, with a BA and a MS. I have had several jobs, and I am now working for the City of Midland. Today is just like any other day. I have a very similar routine; alarm set for 6:00, coffee, check email, shower, dry hair, put on makeup, get dressed, and out the door by 7:45.

Today I just want to get through September. Today I am sad… today I am stressed… today I am tired… today I am anxious… today I am scared… today, sigh…

I am Living Single in Texas…

It breaks my heart…

Why does it hurt so much to have our hearts’ broken? Why does the pain seem to last for so long? And do we really ever get over the pain of a broken heart?

I recently had a conversation with my friend Ashley. Her like many of my other friends had read my breakup blog several times over. My breakup blog is a blog I wrote on myspace as vice for getting my feelings out when I went through a very difficult breakup. Ashley was seeking my advice. She had her heart broken about a year ago, but yet every time she saw or heard his name, her heart would ache.

That is the problem with having your heart broken, just when you think you are better, BAM, you hurt all over again. True the pain might not last as long, or it might not hurt as much, but the truth is, it still hurts.

My only advice to Ashley was to try and move on because she is a beautiful and fabulous woman who deserves the best… and guess what he was not the best. Just because you are head over heels for someone, that doesn’t mean they are head over heels for you. It sucks, but it’s the truth. For whatever reason some guys are “just not that into you”. It just happens, deal with it. I know my advice might seem harsh, but it is the truth. It is better than making excuses as to “why he doesn’t want you”….

Here are some common excuses… “its just not the right time”… “he has commitment issues”… “he has been hurt in a relationship before”… “its his job, he just doesn’t have time”… “its his family, friends, or even his dog”… TRANSLATION… HE IS JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU!!!

When a guy is “into you”… he wants to be with you… spend time with you… talk on the phone with you… take you out… treat you right… be his day and night… HE WANTS YOU. There are no excuses… you won’t hear “not tonight”… the answer will always be yes. Now I might be over exaggerating, but 99.9% of the time he will want to be with you, even if is just seeing you for two seconds before he leaves on a business trip.

That’s my advice… but even my advice does not answer the basic questions of the pain of a broken heart. I felt that pain today… and it’s been eight months since my breakup, and I did everything right in my recovery efforts… but it still hurts.

There it was in, my inbox… a new message… a new message from him… my heart stopped… I couldn’t breath. The subject line read: no subject… what the hell, I don’t even get a warning as to what the message is. Should I delete it? Should I read it? What does he want? Why would he send me a message? He has nothing to say to me? I have nothing to say to him? All of this was going through my head… all this in a split second as I clicked on the message to read its contents…

“hey yadda, yadda… I need you to take my name off your itunes on your laptop so I can authorize my computer, etc. etc…. thanks” That’s it. So why did I have a hundred questions and concerns running through my head? Why did I let that pain back into my heart? I don’t know… and it drives me crazy not knowing why.

Today was just a reminder of how excruciating the pain was. How many sleepless nights I had. How many times I wish I had gotten out sooner. How much it hurt… and how it can still hurt to this day. The pain is what I want to avoid. I fear if I give into another man the heartache and pain will happen all over again. That is why I can’t bring myself to say “I love you” or say “yes I believe in marriage” or even that one day “yes I want to get married and have a family”…. Because I would rather forego on having all of the above if it means having my heart broken again.

I might not be the person who should be handing out relationship advice. I too struggle with it every day. I however am better than I was, and by the end of the day I will be back to normal once again. It just ceases to amaze me how one little message can bring back mounds of emotions… emotions I thought I had over come… emotions that I hate…

I am scared… but if I never take a risk… well you know the rest… and I now know there is something I need to do… I need to take a risk.

I am Living Single in Texas…