Getting some Perspective...

It is so easy to be selfish in life. What do I want to eat? What do I want to wear? Where do I want to go? What do I want to buy? What do I want?!? It is all about the "I" and that so misses the point. It is not "I" who raised me... it is not "I" who brought me into this world... and it is not "I" who will love me unconditionally no matter what I do or don't do... so why do "I" have to be so selfish.

For those of you who didn't know I wanted to move to New York City. After much analysis and reasoning I have changed my mind. Not because I don't want to... because believe me I want to. I want to be in the big City that never sleeps... have an amazing life... with great food, exciting people and a unique culture... but the truth I would just be living for me... and a life like that is very sad. I changed my mind about moving to NYC not because I didn't want to go, but because I changed my perspective on what life is truly all about... love.

About a month ago my Dad had to go to the doctor. He was having a numbing type sensation in his hand. And of course panic was the first reaction. For most who have a numbing sensation in their hands it is the signs of a stroke or some type of blockage. Of course this would not come as a major shock because my dad has been drinking and smoking since he was a teenager not to mention he has always eaten whatever he wanted. Plus heart disease, diabetes, and high blood pressure run in my dad’s side of the family. Not to mention both of my grandparents died at a very young age. It just becomes very real when you start to think about it. My dad could either get extremely sick or just die any day now. And when he started having the numbing in his hand I immediately thought the worse.

Thankfully it was nothing life threatening. It turns out he has sever carpal tunnel syndrome in both hands... and surgery is the only fix, which is still scary but not as bad as my mind was thinking. But it did wake something up inside of me... my family is so important to me and I take them for granted. I have a wonderful mother who is constantly helping me and making me a better person... my dad who has become a better man... my sister who I am closer to now than I ever been... not to mention to of the most amazing nieces in the world... and I even have the utmost respect and regard for my brother-in-law and step parents. I have a ton of love in my life and that should count for something.

I can still live a wonderful life and be close to my family too. More than likely I will move next summer but it will be in Texas and not on the other side of the country. But I finally have some perspective. Life is too short to be selfish and selfish people end up alone... and I don't believe that to be my destiny.

I am Living Single in Texas.

So close now...

In the words of the Eli Young Band. I am so close now I can almost taste it. Although I have a had a rough couple of months things are starting look good, really good.

I have been working day and night for the past few weeks... with what seemed like no break in sight... but now I can finally see the finish line. Work has consumed my life. I go to bed thinking about work... I wake up thinking about work... I find myself thinking about work when I cook or clean or even when I am having a conversation with a good friend... I cannot help but think about the organization of the government access channel... or whether or not I can make the onebox work with flash or maybe video... what about sound can I add in two components as once. Yes, yes I know I am talking in tongues now... but it all makes sense to me... and I can finally say... all my hard work is going to pay off soon.

I still have some personal project I must finish by December 1... but the motivation I have been lacking has disappeared and I am on a roll now... and ready to take on the world. My future is looking bright and this fog seems to be clearing.

So it is almost quitting time on this Friday afternoon and I am going to go home and rest... enjoy the weekend... and take on the world next week. My goal... finish DigItFossils.com on Monday and the Government Access Bulletin Board on Tuesday. Although I might have to go in at 5am and work till 10 pm on Monday I will get it done, and it will be awesome. So then I can move onto the next five websites I need to get done, which will be easy with this motivation I have going.

I am Living Single in Texas.

Doubt whom you will, but never yourself...

Quoted by Christian N. Bovee, and although I have absolutely no idea who Christian is, I do believe he makes a good point. It is so easy to doubt oneself. At this very moment in my life I am full of doubt.

I am doubtful about my big move... my plans have changed, for the better I am certain of that, but I am doubtful on how I am going to pull it off. When is the right time? Will I able to sell my house for a profit? Should I sell my house now? I don't really want to move back home. Maybe a roommate? What about the actual move? Costs, finding a new place, meeting new people. But I know if I could do it tomorrow I would... but there is just so much to do at my job and the like that I am scared I will never get it all done and never get out of Midland.

I am doubtful about my future... curious if I have given my heart away too many times, and scared that I will never be able to love again. It has almost been four months since my last breakup. It is sad to say it in that manner "since the last one". That is just my point, I keep giving my heart away and I keep getting hurt. I am doubtful that I will be able to give it away again. We are supposed to learn from our experiences and the only thing I have learned is to NOT fall in love. Every guy that approaches me I turned down before they even have the chance to ask me out. And the few I have let take me out I put up this wall and I don't let them in... by the second or third date they just stop calling... and when they do stop calling I feel a relieve... a relieve that I don't have to worry about another relationship... relived that it is over before it ever really begins.

I am doubtful about who I am... I feel as if I am losing my identify... but then I question did I ever really have my own identity. I am being pulled in twenty different directions at work. At home I feel as if I am floating through a non-fulling personal life with no meaning or direction. I have goals and dreams but even though each day I know I am getting closer to those goals it actually feels as if I am drifting farther away. As if each time I finish a project whether it is at work or freelance, I get another one thrown on top of the pile. My identiy is being defined by work... and because I am so scared of having a personal life I am all accepting of how it is playing out.

It wasn't until I read Christian's quote this morning that I was able to identify my problem. For the past couple of weeks I knew something was not quite right... I felt unhappy and empty inside... I realize now that is doubt that is creating these feelings. Doubting myself has created an array of negative feelings... insecure feelings... depressive feelings. In order to pull myself out of this mood I have to stop doubting myself and start telling myself that I can do it... I can move to Austin next summer... I can and will find love again... and I do know who I am... I am LeaAnn Dearman, an educated, bright, intelligent, kind hearted, God fearing, woman with a ton to offer this world... and I will find my place in it.

I am Living Single in Texas.