Emotional discontent…

Have you ever had the feeling that something was not right? A feeling in the pit of your stomach that aches and you are not sure why? Your mind and body seem distant and foreign? And again you don’t know why.

I didn’t sleep well last night. Tossing and turning… getting up and down… hot and then cold… it was just a bad night. On top of everything I had a headache that would not go away. Something is not right and it started last night.

I have so much happening in my life right now. Work is crazy busy with deadlines buzzing around my head. Socially my life has never been better and I would much rather ditch my responsibilities to go have fun. Financially I really need to get on top of things. I have been spending too much and its going to catch up with me soon… time for a budget. My family life is super chaotic because my sister is pregnant and due in October, but it is not that simple… she might go into labor any day now due to complications. September… one word… CRAZY… I have oral surgery… my sister’s baby shower… a wedding… a major dinner event… and my dad’s 50th birthday party… all in one month!!!

So are these anxious feelings normal for what all I have going on in my life. Will my life ever slow down and be “normal” again. For as long as I can remember my life has been chaotic like this… if it isn’t work… its school… if it isn’t school… its family… if it isn’t family… its my relationship at the time. There is always something… something going on… a deadline… something I have do… family or friends I need to see… cleaning, laundry, financing… ALWAYS SOMETHING!!!

The chaos in my life has not changed much over the past few months… but still something is not right. I have a bad feeling something is about to happen… and that scares me.

I am Living Single in Texas…

Deception, delusion, or the truth?

Are there certain things in a relationship that one should never say? “Practically all the relationships I know are based on a foundation of lies and mutually accepted delusion,” quoted by Samantha from Sex and the City.

The idea of deceiving or lying to someone has come to my attention. Is it ever ok to lie? Even if you are protecting someone?

I recently had an old college friend ask me about lying. She was vague in her question; obviously she was trying to protect someone. She defined lying into three types: “You have the right in your face bold lie, the little white lie, and then of course you have the lie by omission of the fact - where you don't lie you just omit any true item.” She then went onto ask; “When is it ok to lie? When is it ok to omit certain truths? Is it better to just get it out in the open or continue to lie about it? And if you're a bystander, do you just stand by or do you try to help? How do you know if a person even needs or wants help?”

I, by an means, am no authority on the subject of lying. I however have lied, been lied to, and have even lied to myself. Lies have been apart of my romantic relationships and even my platonic friendships. White lies, hurtful lies, protective lies… they are all lies… no way around it. A lie… is a lie… is a lie.

I have been in the position where I thought a lie would protect a friend. I thought lies would protect me. I have lied to salvage relationships. But no matter how many times I lied or have been lied to the truth has always seemed to surface, no matter how well the lying party covered their tracks.

I am now going to tell a story… it is a long story… but hopefully it proves the point that lying, no matter what type, is bad news for all parties involved.

The summer of 2004 I fell in love. I had just moved home from the Northeast. I was slowing hitting the “West Texas” social scene again. For the first time in over year I was optimistic about meeting someone. And I did.

He was 25… I was 22. He was looking for someone or something… I was looking for someone or something. We had both had our hearts broken. We were both going to be extremely careful with our hearts.

As most relationships begin… you never really know when to define it as an “exclusive” relationship. We had been dating for about 2 weeks, when I decided to take a girls trip to Lubbock. From the moment we left until the moment we arrived I talked about him. How he made me laugh… how cute he looked… how much I really liked him. Christa was about sick of “how he”… At the moment of our arrival she made me realize… be careful you are not in a “relationship” yet… have fun this weekend. So I did… but the entire time I thought about him… even when I kissed my cousin’s roommate, hmmmm…

The trip home was much the same… except now I was saying “after being away from him and kissing that other guy I now realize how much I want him”… however I didn’t think he needed to know that I kissed some guy… LIE #1!!!

That night I was suppose to go out with him… however he stood me up… “oh no, did he know?” He acted strange for the next week… we hung out but not much. Little did I know LIE #2 & #3 were about to be revealed.

I found out the night he stood me up was because his ex was at his house… “ok no big deal… I kissed a guy in Lubbock… no big deal” … nothing happened “right?”… to which he said… “no nothing happened” BUT… the night I was in Lubbock he did get drunk and sleep with one of our mutual friends… in fact another one of his ex’s best friend…

Are you lost yet? I went to Lubbock and kissed a guy, LIE #1… he slept with one of his ex’s best friend when I was in Lubbock, LIE #2… he stood me up when I got back because the other ex was at his house, LIE #3…

Somebody please knock me in the head… guess what I didn’t care… I still fell in love with him. I created a relationship with someone, and the basis of our relationship started out with lies!!!

Think about this for a moment… I had no problem lying to him… and he had no problem lying to me… what would stop us from lying in the future? For me it was simple, I suck at lying… when I lie my eye brows quiver… when I lie it might take one day before I break… I don’t like to lie… and I know I will get caught. Plus I loved him… I didn’t want to lie to him. He however, had a different set of ethics… “it’s not a lie until you get caught”.

Winter 2006… it gets ugly. “I lie to you because you can’t handle the truth”… No I did not handle the fact that he was sleeping with one my best friends and his best friends ex well. Do you know of anyone who would handle that well?

Lies set the foundation for our relationship… and lies ended our relationship. He claims to this day he lied to me because he didn’t want to see me hurt… but the truth is while yes the truth hurt… it was by far the worse pain I had ever felt… the lies hurt just as much.

Trust is an expensive commodity… Trust is a fragile commodity… Trust is destroyed by lies; bold, white, or even emissive lies.

I am certain some of my friends knew about my ex’s lies and deception. For some reason they never told me. I don’t know if I would have listened. I don’t know if I would have even wanted to hear it. But it might have saved me some heartache if they had of told me.

My advice to my friend… lying… don’t do it… and don’t protect those who do.

I am Living Single in Texas…

When it comes to dating and relationships...

The rollercoaster of dating and relationships is one of the scariest and bumpiest rides ever. Sometimes you can expect what will be around the corner, other times it shocks the hell out of you. Do we have any control over the ride? Or should we just sit back and take it as it comes? Girls and Guys alike are on the ride... not just one or the other. Sometimes we want to get off... but not me... I love the ride.

Last night I found myself at Bubbaplooza... a concert put on by the Ranch every year headlining Aaron Watson. I love Aaron Watson, I find myself at this concert every year... in fact anytime he is in the area I will more than likely be there. I was not the only one there... several of my friends were there... several of the guys I have dated were there as well. It is always at little awkward when you see a guy you dated but now you are with someone else. I have been dating -W for about two months now. It is a safe bet to call him my boyfriend. I haven't seen or gone out with anyone else since I started dating him. Which is a feat in and of itself.... because I have always liked to keep my options open... but what can I say... there is just something about -W... an automatic attraction. I never thought that type of attraction existed. Sure I have been in several relationships, but I was never swept off my feet by any of them... -W has swept me off my feet.

An explanation please... the Young Guy is one of the many guys I dated before -W. The Young Guy has his act together... he is successful.. good looking.. talented (he can play the guitar).. and over all a very sweet and caring guy. Any girl would be lucky to have him. The Young Guy took me on the perfect date... a concert on the lawn at the Museum of the Southwest... it was unique and nice... and overall I had a great time... but I did not have the butterflies in my stomach. You know the little nerves that pump up your adrenaline and make your heart beat fast... they weren't there. No one can really explain why we are attracted to some people more than others... but we just are. Last night the Young Guy was asking me if he came on too strong. After our first date he brought me flowers, leaving them on my doorstep with a very nice note. He thought he scared me off... and I can see why... I never went on a second date with him... but it had nothing to do with the flowers or the note. IT just wasn't THERE.

After I had my heart broken by my ex-boyfriend I read two books... "He's Just Not That Into You" and "It’s Called a Breakup Because Its Broken"... both are written by Greg Behrendt... both should become a woman's Bible to relationships. I was thinking today that guys should read these books as well... they too could benefit from it. Liz Tuccillo helped write "He's Just Not That Into You"... and she said something I wake up and tell myself everyday...
"There is something great about knowing that my only job is to be as happy as I can be about my life, and feel as good as I can about myself, and to lead as full and eventful life as I can, so that it doesn't ever feel like I'm just waiting around for some guy to ask me out. And most importantly, it's good for us all to remember that we don't need to scheme and plot, or beg anyone to ask us out. We're fantastic"

Guys... Girls... we are all fantastic in our own ways... wait for that "oh I can't get you out of my head" person to come into your life... and if you do find that person but they don't feel the same... then that's not the person you need... you will find that feeling again... and when you do... they too will have that feeling...

I am Living Single in Texas...

Daydreamer…

It has now been four years since I graduated with my Bachelors degree and two years since I received my Masters… and it kind of makes me sad that I am not as close to my dream as I would like to be.

Four years ago the Odessa American interviewed me as the rising Communication student at UTPB. I had just won a state award for a PSA I had worked on for MHMR plus I had also received three TIPA awards for audio production, commercial production, and internship. I had a busy and successful year.

Today I read the article again… and of course one of the golden questions I was asked… “What do you see your self doing, five, ten years from now?” My response… “I would love to be shooting country music videos.” I have always had the dream of winning a CMA for best music video. My old boss Mel has always assured me that I have the talent to do it, but some how I have drifted from my dream.

I made the right choice after graduating from UTPB to continue my education with my Master’s degree, but I am not sure if I made the right decision returning to Midland. Maybe I should have taken a chance and moved to Nashville. Of course money was my deciding factor in moving back to West Texas. I already had a secure job. A job that would look good on my resume. A job I couldn’t turn down. So I moved back.

I really shouldn’t be complaining… I have a great job… Great friends… A great man in my life right now… and I am very happy. But there is that part of me that will always wonder “what if?” if I don’t at least try. As of right now I am setting a goal to finish the WestTexasLive.com Web site. From there I should be able to get contacts and meet several bands. And from there I will start shooting music videos in my spare time.

I am a very stubborn person and once I make up my mind to do something it is pretty hard to sway me in a different direction. I think it is time to pursue my dream. I think it is time to do what I love to do. And I love video… I love music… I love music videos… And one day I will love creating music videos for a living… one-day… sigh…

I am Living Single in Texas…

Weekend recovery mode...

My first river trip... hmmm... not really sure where to begin? As you all know I was born and raised in West Texas... remember the very simple life. And although I have grown to appreciate and try new things, I still like things to be quite simple. And as you all know I have now been dating the same guy -W going on two months. Although I have not gone into great detail about -W he too was raised in West Texas but has also lived in Austin, Europe, and LA... we have some extreme differences in friends, class, and culture... but we get along great. We have not bickered or fought once. He treats me well and I enjoy his company... so the differences are not a big deal. It is his friends that took me on this river weekend excursion.

You see, when I envisioned a river trip I had always pictured a group of rednecks sitting around drinking, bull shitting, maybe throwing a few beers, listening to some good all honky-tonk music, and dancing (2-stepping of course). This trip is not what I envisioned but I still had a BLAST!!!

Instead of just pitching a tent or staying in an RV... this group rented a huge house for the weekend that even had a pool in the back. They stocked it full of food... not just lunchmeat and chips... but we had bratwurst, hamburgers, eggs and bacon, chicken, pork, rice, veggie skewers, pancakes and fruit, and the list just went on and on. Not only did we have beer but we also had every liquor imaginable... vodka, rum, whiskey, tequila (patron my favorite), and all the mixings to go with it.

Want to hear more... we brought our own band with us... so not only did we have good eats and a ton of high class drinks, but we also had our own live music... Now I don't know where you all come from but this was one high-class camping/river trip in my opinion. One thing that didn't change too much... the people were a blast and sitting around drinking and bull shitting stayed about the same.

I am now in recovery mode... I got drunk Friday afternoon and pretty much stayed that way until Sunday morning... Now it is back to work on Monday... but I would rather be sleeping.

I am Living Single in Texas...

Smile for the camera...

I have always liked to be behind the camera and not in front. Truth be told I would rather be the director and telling people what kind of shots to get. I don't mind my picture taken; I just don't like most of the shots people take. Everyone is always posing. That’s not fun. I think photographs and video should capture life. People living. Doing crazy, fun, and strange things. What you see in photographs should be what you see in real life.

Last night I participated in a photo shoot for promoting Downtown Midland. I was in front of the camera. I must admit the photographer did well, but at the same time I feel he should have changed the shots up from time to time. For the most part we all sat in the same seats, talked to the same people, and had the same expressions on our face. Sure that is good for one-maybe two shots, but I would rather have a ton of different angles and people in the photographs. Different backgrounds and different lighting. If you really want to capture the essence of people having fun you have to take into consideration people move around. We are not static.

The shots he did get are gorgeous. He knows how to capture light perfectly. I can't wait to see the photos.

The entire photo shoot got me thinking about photographs that I have. I wish I had taken more photographs over the years. I have been to New York, Boston, California, Missouri, Colorado, Florida, and all the states in between Connecticut and Texas and I don't have many photographs to show. I don't have the passion to take photo after photo because I would rather be involved in the action. Wouldn't it be nice to take a photographer with you everywhere you go?

This weekend my goal is to take as many photos as possible. I am going to the river with –W and a large group of friends. It is going to be a blast and I am going to be sure to capture it in photographs.

I am Living Single in Texas…

I need to be careful...

I have always thought myself to be invincible. Nothing can hurt me... pain is only relative... sick, who has time for it... suck it up and get on with life. Today, I realized, I need to be little bit more careful with my body.

Approximately two weeks ago I had my last softball game of the summer. Bruises and strawberries running up and down my legs have never been that big of a deal. I get them all the time, and they always heal just fine. Because it was the last game of the season, plus, we were playing for the championship I played extra hard. I hit a triple, but I had to slide into third in order to assure my safety at third. Yeah, no big deal, I don't wear sliding pads in slow pitch... come on now it is slow pitch, I might slide once during the entire season. Well this one time didn't turn out so good.

I have a strawberry that runs from my knee to my ankle down the right side of my calf. For some reason this strawberry was different than the rest. There seemed to be more pain associated with it. I of course have kept it very clean, but something started happening. I started getting small whelps up and down the right side of my leg. At first I thought, oh maybe it is just a few pimples. I have never had body acne but you never know. But then I got a huge whelp on the side of my right hip, and this one did not just go away.

I was at work at 6 AM this morning and at the doctor's office by 8 AM... turns out I have an infection in my blood due to the wound on my leg. Which means a heavy dose of antibiotics that makes me nausea plus a tetanus shot. For those of you who don't know, I have a phobia of needles. I survived the shot; until I stood up... when I stood up I almost passed out from the simple fear of needles. Not so tough after all I guess.

At any rate, I really need to start being more careful with my body. I have a softball tournament next weekend… so on the top of priority list is to go buy some sliding pads!

I am Living Single in Texas...

Four days into August and its Friday...

OK so last time I asked myself "why have I been slacking?"... and today I had an epiphany... R&R and less alcohol consumption.

When I woke up Tuesday morning a little bit hung over and super tired... I didn't feel like working. And come to think of it I have been a little bit hung over and super tired at least five days out of a seven-day week. Thus the reason why I have been slacking at home, work, and where my health is concerned.

Now I know what you might be thinking... it doesn't take rocket science to figure that out... and yes I know this... but in the same regard my version of slacking is not achieving perfection where as some other people's version of slacking is achieving nothing. Do you follow?

When questioned "how in the hell did you finish school so fast?"... it is because I wanted to. Don't get me wrong here I am not trying to gloat but I am a super hard worker and can accomplish a ton in a day. It just comes natural to me. I am not really sure quite why. So when I wasn't living my life how I should have been I was somewhat dumbfounded.

And today four days into the month... three days after I woke up tired and hung over... I now realize I have a natural high if I get rest and don't drink. I was awake by 5 am. Although it took a little bit to get me out of bed, once I was up, I was wired. I feel great. I love waking up early. I love to be out and about before the sun comes up. I get so much more accomplished early in the morning.

What have I been doing for the past year? Where have I been? Today I got reacquainted with the LD who liked to achieve her goals... the LD who is a morning person... the LD who wants perfection in her life... the LD who is awake and alive... the LD whom I love to be.

And the best part of this feeling and realization is... this LD is better than before... because now I can also have fun. I am not under the stress of school and homework any more. My free time is just that free time... I did not have free time before. So I can still party and have fun, I just need to limit it to the weekends... so I can still have this invigorating high that I need during the week. Life is going to get real good...

I am Living Single in Texas...

August... Sigh...

And yet another month has past. July, where did it go. I don't know. August is the month where I will turn my life around. Don't get me wrong I am happy and I love my life, but I have not been organized like I should. I have been slacking and anyone who knows me, knows I am not a slacker. So why have I been such a slacker?

I used to wake up every Saturday morning by 9 AM and clean and do laundry. Every Saturday without fail. I haven't done that in months. I have kept my house fairly clean but I can't seem to get motivated to do it on a weekely basis.

But it is just not at home. I have slacked slightly at work as well. Not much, but I know I should be on top of things. And now I have a deadline to meet. Which I think is what I needed all along. If I have a certain time frame I work better. I work better under pressure.

And last but not least is my body. I have been drinking too much and not getting enough exercise.

So I am going to start out this month with a bang. My goal this weekend is to... not drink... clean my house... get some much needed sleep... get caught up on work...

I am Living Single in Texas...